Ali interviews Victoria Beckham

Bo! I is ere wiv none ovver dan me main bitch outta da Spice Girls, Victoria Peckham. Wicked.

G: So Vic, is you really as posh as you say you is? Cos me mate Dave says e knew you when you was at school, an e said you was rougher dan im.

V: Actually, Posh is just my nickname. I'm just your average Essex girl really.

G: But you is a member of da Royal family though. You live in dat Buckingham House, innit?

V: No, I live in a mansion called Beckingham Palace. It's just a joke really. We have a flag on the roof and everything.

G: Fer real. And dat is in Peckham, next door to Del Boy and Rodney?

G: Aiiih! So, is you and David well rich? Cos I erd you as like 50 million squid each.

V: That's not true. We are quite wealthy, but we don't have that much money. I wish.

G: You used to be well fit, but lately, if you don't mind me sayin, you is gettin skinny like one a dem funny stick-inseck fings. Is you really arachnophobic?

V: No, I'm not anorexic, and I'd like everyone to stop worrying about me. Since I had Brooklyn, my metabolism has changed. I actually eat like a horse.

G: Wicked. What about dat Sporty Spice. She is well mingin.

V: That's not nice. Actually, Melanie is a very nice looking girl.

G: You is got to be jokin'. She looks like a man, an a rough one at dat. I erd she was a muff muncher. Is dat true?

G: I is tryin to get me Julie to drink from the furry fountain, but she sez she ain't interested. As you slept wiv Sporty? Like when you was on tour an you was a bit tipsy, an one fing led to anovver.

G: Respec. Why is your baby got such a stupid name. Dat is not fair on da kid is it? Everyone is gonna fink e is a batty boy at school.

V: We named him after the place where he was conceived. Hence, Brooklyn.

G: Aiiih. Me mate Nigel did da same wiv is kid. He was bangin is missus in da swimming pool at da John Nike Leisure Centre. So e called is daughter John. She is gonna get a lot of stick at school for dat too.

G: Does Geri really av a ginger minge. Cos me mate Dave said he banged her in a bus shelter in Churtsey an e said she ad a black bush. Is dat true?

V: I've never seen Geri's pubic hair, so I wouldn't know about that.

G: Come off it. Everyone as seen er muff. She was a big porn star before da Spice Girls. There's pictures on da Internet an everyfing.

V: She did some nude modelling before, but she was never a porn star. I've never even seen the pictures.

G: I can give you da website address if you is interested.

G: I erd she slept wiv Chris Evans. Urghh! Two ginger cunts in da same bed. Dat is disgusting. Have you ever sucked on da carrot?

V: I've never given Chris Evans a blow-job, if that's what you mean.

G: No, I meant have you ever sucked on a carrot. I wasn't even finking about dat. You is a filfy girl. Urghh!

G: So, is David as good in bed as e is on da cricket pitch?

V: He's actually a footballer. And I'm not telling you what he is like in bed. That's private.

G: Wicked. Me Julie wanted me to wear a g-string, but I said no. I wouldn't even wear one if it was made by Tommy Hilfiger. I ain't no batty boy.

V: Well David's not gay, if that's what you're implying.

G: Aiiih. I read in da paper dat Scary Spice was snoggin dat black geezer Goldie an her tongue stud got caught on is gold teef cos they was magnetic. But i fink they made dat up cos gold ain't magnetic. It ain't even metal.

V: You shouldn't believe everything you read in the papers.

G: Fer real. Finally, is you gonna be releasing a solo single like all da other Spice bitches.

V: Yes, my album will be out later in the year. I'm very excited about it. It's great!

G: I ain't trying to be rude or nuffin, but I is never erd you sing yet. There is a rumour dat you sound like a donkey wiv a sore throat an a traffic cone up it's ass. Is dat true?

V: I'm not brilliant, but I sound a lot better than Geri that's for sure. Sorry, I didn't mean that Geri.

G: Wicked. Fank you Victoria Peckham. An me mate Dave was right, you is a bit rough. Respec.

Next week, I is interviewing Baby Spice an finding out if she is really only 3 years old. Me hope not, cos I fancies er an I ain't no Gary Glitter. Booyakasha

Here's a good one that really works, when someone leaves their bedroom, go inside and take a poster off their wall and stick it onto the ceiling so that the middle droops down a bit. Fill the middle with flour so that when they pull the poster down they get covered !